I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
