I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
