the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
