She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
