I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
