Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
