I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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