btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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