My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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