o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
