Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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