so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
