She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize