I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
