God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
