My underwear smells like fireworks.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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