Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
