I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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