ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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