Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
