Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
