I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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