There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
