hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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