i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
