im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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