day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
