so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
