here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have tasted many bathrooms
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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