I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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