Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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