Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize