In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
not ubering you a puppy
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
