the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
