So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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