The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
