The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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