I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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