2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
