It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
