she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
