I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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