I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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