At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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