sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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