May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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