just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
