Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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