1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
