I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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