Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
