Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
