The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize