Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
