Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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