I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
