Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
