I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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