i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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