I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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