I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
