Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
