he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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