either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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