Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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